Decoy

I have to be honest.  I have no idea where I'm going with this new blog.  In my other blogs...well, first of all, I was younger.  That's a great excuse, don't you think?  But I had a better sense of mission or goal or more energy or I don't know, something was different.  I was more naive than my jaded self now.  It was easier to be light hearted and find humor.  My fingers were lighter on the keyboard.  Inspirations were muy facil.  My brain was less heavy and there weren't as many cobwebs.  Ugh...  I realize that this paragraph is the sort of stuff that would-be writers keep to themselves, delete, crumple up and ceremoniously throw over their shoulder and then sigh, roll the head and give up.  And I might do that.  I don't know.  Let's see how the rest of this post goes. 

The cancer treatment center at 8 in the morning is depressingly busy.  SO many people checking in for their chemo appointments, standing in a long line with their beloved family members, slash "caregiver".  Bald heads dominate the huge modern facility.  Face masks masking a range of emotions as patients hit the button on the elevators, "going up".  A box of homemade, knitted hats sits on each floor near the reception desk and while people wait for their name to be called, some of them root through the array of donations.  It's a cancer chemotherapy factory of sorts. I'm sure that Phil and his wife Penny would not appreciate that comment, after they raised a billion dollars for cancer research for the OHSU Knight Cancer Research Institute.  Don't get me wrong.  It's a beautiful, state of the art building in an upscale Portland waterfront neighborhood for which I am extremely grateful.  But it's a sad place with people at different stages.  

I have typed 3 different paragraphs here and then held my pointer finger down on the delete button and, ping!, the words are gone. Wow.  If we could only do that with illnesses and poverty and deprivation, sadness, unfairness and evil.  

Okay, let's try something I know how to do - give a report.  
By all accounts, Jolynn is doing remarkably well as we await Eli's visit from NJ today.  She received a bag of magnesium and that could be the last one necessary.  Her blood counts are either normal or nearly normal (unlike my brain at the moment). No rashes.  No fevers.  No mouth sores.  OMGosh.  She's sailing through this recovery period so far!  She does have a problem taking pills so they are working hard to order medication in smaller forms or liquid. Jolynn continues to be in bed for much of the day and the nurse feels that if she could eat more food, she would have more energy for walks and socializing...we did have a lovely visit with a dear friend who brought homemade soup today and that was enjoyable for me while Jolynn slept.  A bone biopsy will happen in a few weeks.  Continuing to help her eat more food is key as she has lost yet another pound but there's no pushing her.  She did get up at 3am and have some food and I heard the noises through the baby monitor. 

I think that's the issue for me.  I am exhausted too.   

I know there's a better me out there somewhere...she might be "miserable" but she usually does have a sense of humor.   And maybe she has at least a tad bit of talent as a writer, luring the eccentric reader.  I don't know.          We'll see.

Sigh.