Peaceful Easy Feeling

About 7 years ago, I met Cub.  
She's a Cadet.

I fell in love.  She and I are inseparable for most of the year. I miss her terribly during the winter.  
But I snuck out of Aloha today and met up with her at her place.  

We had a glorious day together in the sun, even with the chilly coastal winds.  She didn't let me down, true to her Kawasaki self.  Out in nature, our zen aligned and we zero turned around 16 walnut trees, purring over the two green acres. Ahhhhh........

Okay, I didn't really sneak out.  Just wanted to see if anyone was paying attention.  I woke with a purpose this morning, a calling, a passion to see Cub.  Rosie stayed home with Jolynn and Eli.  

 I took Bear on my rendezvous. We like to separate the pups sometimes,...makes the heart grow fonder.  Just shaking things up here in the land and lull of recovery.   

Pandora kept me company while I dared to open my sunroof on the drive out to Polk County..  I had to pump up the volume to hear the Eagles.  I know that Jolynn is going to survive this and come back to her conscious joyful self.  It won't be long until she is singing with me in the car, again.  Swinging her hammer around, loading junk in her trailer, running boards through her table saw.  

Tears fogged up my already cloudy cataracts.  (Yes, I have cataracts.  I'll be 65 this year.  Of course I have cataracts....the surgery is planned for after the 100 Plus Day era.)  I'm worried.  I'm sad.  I struggle to find optimism.  Yet, I forge ahead, alongside the surfer girl, a lover and a friend.

                     And I know you won't let me down....

She is happy to have Eli here from NJ.  Food is still difficult for her digestion as she struggles with nausea even with the medication.  Total and complete exhaustion rule her day but that is now.......soon, we will see a more energetic Jolynn.  Her weight loss worries the hell out of me but then I am comforted by my research that states it is normal for a stem cell transplant patient to feel utterly bone weary.  Bone Weary - good name for it.  Appointments on every Monday and Thursday follow her weight and blood counts so there is accountability. Yes, medical staff are paying attention.

In the meantime, I am trying to find solace in the silly nuances of life and appreciation for the modest.  I have a pair of Kate Spade sunglasses from a second hand shop.  They have a discreet, but very cool, green highlight.  Driving my car with my subtle sunglasses, open sunroof, the Eagles, a flaky croissant and a cup of coffee, headed out to meet up with Cub.....  ya.   All I need now is Jolynn's harmony next to me, while she drives, holding my hand. 

I know it's going to be okay.  

              Cause I'm already standing on the ground.....


        The Eagles
                                     https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x11kias

  

Decoy

I have to be honest.  I have no idea where I'm going with this new blog.  In my other blogs...well, first of all, I was younger.  That's a great excuse, don't you think?  But I had a better sense of mission or goal or more energy or I don't know, something was different.  I was more naive than my jaded self now.  It was easier to be light hearted and find humor.  My fingers were lighter on the keyboard.  Inspirations were muy facil.  My brain was less heavy and there weren't as many cobwebs.  Ugh...  I realize that this paragraph is the sort of stuff that would-be writers keep to themselves, delete, crumple up and ceremoniously throw over their shoulder and then sigh, roll the head and give up.  And I might do that.  I don't know.  Let's see how the rest of this post goes. 

The cancer treatment center at 8 in the morning is depressingly busy.  SO many people checking in for their chemo appointments, standing in a long line with their beloved family members, slash "caregiver".  Bald heads dominate the huge modern facility.  Face masks masking a range of emotions as patients hit the button on the elevators, "going up".  A box of homemade, knitted hats sits on each floor near the reception desk and while people wait for their name to be called, some of them root through the array of donations.  It's a cancer chemotherapy factory of sorts. I'm sure that Phil and his wife Penny would not appreciate that comment, after they raised a billion dollars for cancer research for the OHSU Knight Cancer Research Institute.  Don't get me wrong.  It's a beautiful, state of the art building in an upscale Portland waterfront neighborhood for which I am extremely grateful.  But it's a sad place with people at different stages.  

I have typed 3 different paragraphs here and then held my pointer finger down on the delete button and, ping!, the words are gone. Wow.  If we could only do that with illnesses and poverty and deprivation, sadness, unfairness and evil.  

Okay, let's try something I know how to do - give a report.  
By all accounts, Jolynn is doing remarkably well as we await Eli's visit from NJ today.  She received a bag of magnesium and that could be the last one necessary.  Her blood counts are either normal or nearly normal (unlike my brain at the moment). No rashes.  No fevers.  No mouth sores.  OMGosh.  She's sailing through this recovery period so far!  She does have a problem taking pills so they are working hard to order medication in smaller forms or liquid. Jolynn continues to be in bed for much of the day and the nurse feels that if she could eat more food, she would have more energy for walks and socializing...we did have a lovely visit with a dear friend who brought homemade soup today and that was enjoyable for me while Jolynn slept.  A bone biopsy will happen in a few weeks.  Continuing to help her eat more food is key as she has lost yet another pound but there's no pushing her.  She did get up at 3am and have some food and I heard the noises through the baby monitor. 

I think that's the issue for me.  I am exhausted too.   

I know there's a better me out there somewhere...she might be "miserable" but she usually does have a sense of humor.   And maybe she has at least a tad bit of talent as a writer, luring the eccentric reader.  I don't know.          We'll see.

Sigh.

No Matter What

So, I sat Bear down this morning and told him that life is too short to mope around and be melancholy. I reminded him that he is dearly loved and that a walk would do him good.  I call him "Bearsy" and he likes that, especially when I use a high pitched voice and tickle his soft, brown ears at the same time.   He gave me that look, you know that look that says "I love you no matter what you are saying to me".  Oh my gosh.  You just gotta love dogs!

It took until early afternoon to get on the road and head toward McMinnville to do some errands.  Jolynn is moving very slowly as she is still exhausted much of the day and not able to eat very much I had several disinfectant chores to finish up in the house - so many precautions with this Day Plus 100 era.  (Today is Day Plus 19)  After we squished the pups into the cramped backseat, I drove her little white truck for the first time since we bought it a few years ago.  The pickup had a job to do today - bring home some potted plants.  That was the gift we gave ourselves for making the effort to leave the house - a stop at a nursery to get a few plants to add to our Aloha English gardens.  Two Roses of Sharon bushes and two fragrant Daphnes later, we were on our way to get the rest of our work done in Yamhill County.  Some very gentle urging helped Jolynn get out of the truck at the farmhouse and walk the perimeter with her new sunglasses and hat.  It was a beautiful sunny day. She took her time.  I drove us home.  When my alarm went off to remind me to remind her to take her pills, I had to wake her up but she's sound asleep now.  All in all, a good day. 

Right Bear?

On The Mound

While I ponder what to write for Jolynn's update,  I want to relate a little story from yesterday.  I visited the farm house yesterday to pick up the neglected mail, pick up branches that littered the driveway and the 2 acre property and do a basic well-check visit on a home that isn't getting a lot of attention lately.   Our two dogs, Rosie and Bear, leaped out of the car as usual and immediately and happily scattered hither.  They love their yard.  For now, it IS their yard but down the road, it will be on the chopping block, sitting on numerous real estate sites hopefully sometime this Spring.  

Pondering an imminent sale of a place we've owned for 4 years now, I started walking toward the grape vines, gently petting the new, soft leaves on my rose bushes as I passed by them.  I instinctively headed toward the back of the property while talking to Rosie and Bear who were scampering in front and around me as I walked through the tall, wet grass.  As I got closer to the spot where our beloved Chipper is buried, I started to greet him, as I usually do.
        
                     "Hi Chip.  We're here to visit you.  We still love you Chipper.  We miss you Chip." 

Rosie, our Golden Doodle who simply ADORED Chipper, (our long haired Dachshund who transcended loyalty for 17 years), stopped walking when she heard me say his name.  Rosie's big, yellow, happy head jerked around to look at me with her huge brown eyes.  I had stopped walking and stood under the pear tree, looking at the place where Chipper is buried in a blanket in his soft bed, deep under the topsoil.  I was thinking about what kind of memorial statue we will get for this little hill of dirt.  At that moment, Rosie walked over and stood on the mound with her front paws.  Her exuberance ended for about 10 seconds as she stood there,  front feet planted on the earth, staring straight ahead, quiet, thoughtful, remembering, giving a moment of respect for her beloved compadre who passed a year ago.   Then, she ran off to join Bear over by the plum tree.  

The light sprinkle of rain joined the tears on my cheek as I finished my walk around the perimeter and prepared to head back home to Jolynn.


The Jolynn Update:

   Still exhausted and struggling to take her handful of pills without spitting them back up.  She never did like the process of taking pills.  Crackers soothe her but they won't add the necessary weight back on.  She is worried about the 3 pounds she lost since last week's hospital stay but food isn't tasty right now.  She faithfully takes her temperature several times a day.  The baby monitor that is set up for me to know how she's doing in the middle of the night did wake me last night when she got up to eat some crackers at 3am.  Aside from slight nausea, her biggest concern today (raised by her son today) is about keeping safe from the Coronavirus - CoVid 19.  Calls to OHSU should let us know what to expect and watch out for as we anticipate Eli's visit this week.  

In the meantime at home, note to self, I am not encouraging Jo to eat or get out of bed (as the medical staff suggested I do) until or if she is ready to hear my suggestions.  There's a reason why I didn't follow my dad's big idea that I become a nurse.  It's not my forte.  
I'm pinch hitting here.....

Pictures of Chipper, Rosie & Jolynn and Bear:

Is This A Lasting Treasure

The Jolynn Update:

She's bald now.  When I went to the hospital on Friday afternoon to bring her home ... Surprise!  She had her head shaved by a nurse in the morning.  

Miraculously Well - that's my update.  It's stunning how well she is doing.  Her appetite is good.  No fevers or rashes.  No high temperatures.  Beyond the odds, she is out of the gate like a thoroughbred.  We still have appointments every couple of days but for the most part, we are sailing through the Day Plus 100 chapter pretty damned well.  Today is Day Plus 16. Wow.

While Jolynn's daughter, Mary, accompanied her to today's appointment, I drove the hour and a half out to the country, the peaceful, quiet country.  I took back roads.  Avoiding the occasional pot hole, I took deep breaths with my sunroof open, breathing in the wet pasture air while passing cows and chickens in the fields.  I've been cooped up with my own tensions and sadness for so many months, for so many reasons.  I haven't let myself even listen to music, too deep in my thoughts to let tunes in.  Freshened by the smell of hay, I dared to push the Pandora app on my IPhone, the IPhone that never leaves my side and is never turned off, like my brain.  Carole King boomed into my car speaker and I felt my chest take a long, deep breath....  I would have closed my eyes if I weren't driving.  Twenty seconds in, "Will you still love me tomorrow" was snapping me out of it and the dogs in the back looked at me as I started singing along.  Carole had taken my hand and led me down the melodic back road toward peace, back to me, myself, my old self, Jeannine The Green Bean.

No, our family does not  have some sort of bean obsession.  One might think that, given the name of my newest blog.  My dad used to call me "Jeannine the Green Bean" when I was little.  I wasn't young, I was never young....but I was little.  I haven't really confessed that I had that nickname so don't tell anyone, K?   

Four hours in the car with the pups and Marvin Gaye, Bread, America, the Beatles, Aretha Franklin and the Four Tops, whatever Pandora decided to gift me.  Open sunroof until the drizzle started and John Denver took me home, back to myself for a minute.  

It'll be okay.  Right?

Just a moment's pleasure...

1971 - OMG   (go ahead, click on the link)   

                                  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iaAMTPRCvY

Two Days In

Sunday, February 23rd on a cool, windy afternoon in Oregon.

The Jolynn Update:

Home since Friday, Jolynn is reacquainting herself with her downstairs bed, her kitchen desk, her view out the sunroom windows and her pups with a deep sigh of relief and rest.  My daughter left yesterday to go back to NYC and Jed left today for the Seattle area - both of our adult kids were hugely helpful with the transition from hospital to home....cleaning and shopping for us.... wow.  We couldn't be more grateful.  And Eli arrives on Thursday from NJ.  As Jolynn walks around the house with her new sunglasses on (to help prevent GVHD in her eyes), she is relaxed and happy to be on the other side of transplant.

Everything Else:
Well, not everything.
Today is my dad's birthday.  He died 35 years ago...missing so much life.  He never got to meet my daughter, a sadness that haunts me continuously.    I don't even have a well of words full enough to write more about this topic right now.   I feel dry and hardened from the impact of disappointments and sadness over the past two dozen months.  But I wrote yesterday that I was coming back.

And I will.  Like the purple and white crocuses in our front yard.

Making A Come Back

I'm dipping my little lima bean toes back into the cool waters of a new blog. 

I've been trying to motivate myself to write for a very long, defeated time.  Time and time again, dropping off into the abyss of my procrastination.  The Miserable Redhead blog keeps the score of my attempts and failures to be productive as a writer and although it amuses me to read through my various posts, it also saddens me to see my procrastination in bold. 

But!  I'm picking myself back up and "giving it the old college try" as my dad used to say. 

Aligned with my partner's discharge from the hospital today, I am riding the wave of optimism.  Jolynn is battling cancer.  Her much anticipated bone marrow transplant was 2 weeks ago, today.  And today, she is being discharged from the hospital!

She's making a come back.  I am making a come back.

I feel strongly that lima beans should make a come back.  Have you tried to find them in the frozen food isle of your favorite grocery store?  Lima beans have become a delicacy, slipping from mainstream corn and bean shelves.  This saddens and confuses me.  More on that later.

For now, I'm back.  And so is Jolynn!